Turning Regrets into Reasons

When things aren’t going the way you thought they would –
it’s easy to think you made a wrong turn somewhere.

But what if:
you didn’t.

What if all the turns you made
were the right turns.
Even the ones you
still regret taking.

What if, every single one was the right turn for you to take?

What if they were all right?

…That would make you alright.

…That would mean your exactly where you supposed to be.

Trippy right?

If that were true,
then you’d have to do things like forgive yourself.
Because you couldn’t regret anything.

It would turn all your regrets into purposeful events.

Regardless how much they hurt you,
or someone else.

No matter how hard they made you fall.
Or what unpleasant place they took you to.

You would have to accept each one as part of the experience.
Part of the journey.
Part of you.

You would have to love yourself not in-spite of your regrets,
but because of them.

Because your regrets were as vital to your life,
as all the good moments were.
Without one, you could not have the other.

Make peace with all of life,
not because you have to –
but because you choose to.

Because you realize there is value in the freedom of knowing
that it is all an equal part of the journey.

-H

 

Always Focused on Tomorrow.

10-22-16-3

Things I realized on my walk this evening:

I want to be in touch with my own life.

I struggle, at times,
to feel like I’m actually living my own life.

I’m often so focused on the next hour, the next day, the next weekend…
that it all comes and goes by so fast,
I’m left standing there – wondering where it went.

I just want to be so in love with every moment,
that is causes me to never again feel like, “where’d it go?”10-22-16-4

Why does it always take us util it’s too late to realize how good we had in in the first place?
To realize that we had it so good in the life that we had – the person we were back then…

I’m always so focused on the life I want to be living… the person I want to be…
that I let my days fly by without being a part of them – always wishing for the next chapter… the more improved, better ‘me’.

Maybe this chapter is supposed to be amazing,
Maybe this day – even if it feels insignificant – is supposed to be the best day of my life.
Maybe I’m supposed to love who I am now, before I try to “improve” myself.

…………….

I would like to take a moment, to write a letter to myself (and all of you.)

…………..

Dear You,

You are amazing and so brave. You wake up each day, trying so hard to improve on the cards you’ve been dealt. Sometimes, you don’t feel like it’s fair that everyone else seems to be doing so much better at life than you – and then you feel like a failure.
I truely wish you would see things as I see them. See you as I see you.

You are beautiful. You are more than blessed.

You’ve been given gifts and talents, that were only destined for your hands and your heart.

You are loved. Even more than you will ever be able to comprehend.

If I could reach into your heart and hold it – I would infuse into it the love that I have for you. I would show you how valuable your dreams are, how powerful you are, and how truely great you have been designed.

I know sometimes, you see yourself as a screw up – a failure – deserving of no more than the shitty way you feel now. But all of that is so un-true… the way I see you looks more like this:

  • Beautiful10-22-16-2
  • Honest
  • Good
  • Capable
  • Powerful
  • Blessed
  • Talented
  • Worthy
  • Peaceful
  • Happy
  • Successful
  • Nutured
  • Changed
  • Sacred
  • Stong
  • Forgiven
  • Loved
  • Perfect, exactly as you are. In this moment.
    With all your flaws and faults considered – still beautiful and perfectly you.

And I would hope that everyday, regardless how many things you think you need to achieve in order to be someone your proud of, I would hope with every bit of myself that you would truely feel how it is that I see you.

I want you to wake up tomorrow morning, walk over to the mirror and take a moment, with your eyes closed, to remember the list of things I have written above. Give them time to sink into your heart. Imagine those words flowing into your skin, absorbing into every ounce of who you are… Let the fill you with every ounce of love I have for you. Live in that moment – realizing all the greatness that flows through you.

Let the words sink in.
Feel them.

And then, when your ready – open your eyes… and see  yourself through the eyes of love: beautiful – exactly as you are.

Much Love,

God (and H)

……………………………………

 

I want to wake up to that tomorrow.

Those words.

I want to allow them to fill up every ounce of who I am –
I want to believe them so fully, that no one can make me feel otherwise.

I hope that you can feel them too.

Find your strength in who you are.

I hope that you see yourself, exactly as you are.
And love it.

-H

10-22-16

“It’s no coincidence that Nature is beautiful, exactly as it is.”-H

 

Regret.

I have lived with regret, for far too long.

I have let it plague me; Filling my soul with negativity for too many years.

Each time I thought I’d finally moved past it, forgotten it, left it behind…
it would rear it’s ugly face again – reminding me that it was never really gone.

I’m not quite sure how other people deal with their regretful memories.
My thought process was always that if I could ask for forgiveness, I would be able to move on.

So I did. Time and time again. Each time, things would be okay for awhile. Then all of a sudden I’d find myself right back to doing whatever activity had started the regret in the first place.

It was like an itch I had to scratch to feel relief.
Somehow, taking part in something negative again made me feel peace with ever doing anything wrong.
Like, maybe I didn’t actually screw up so bad the first time.
It made me feel more normal… more accepted.
More like reality and less like a nightmare.

It would feel fine at first, though looking back now I think I was just trying to be naive. Trying to deceit  my own mind into believing that I didn’t know the harm I was causing myself.

But it never lasted….I would always come to sooner or later… and fall with a deafening crash into my self-dug hole of regret. Daylight further away than before. Each time I fell, I personally dug that hole another foot deeper.

That’s the biggest struggle when living with regret.
You don’t know how to break that cycle. And once you’ve fallen in the first time, even if you get out, it seems like that hole never really gets filled …you always end up stumbling upon it and fall right back in.

 

I’ve lived this cycle since I was seven.
Twenty fucking years of my life have been lost to regret.

 

What it all started with is no one’s damn business.
What really happened is something I will take with me to my grave.
I know better than to bring to light something that was born in the dark.

Sometimes things can fade away. Hurts….Sadness…Anger.
Some things actually can heal with time.

Regret is not one of those things.

 

It will eat you alive if you let it. I was told that it’s best to let it go, ask for forgiveness and move on. Move forward.
But it never worked.

I cannot count the amount of times I’ve prayed, face literally filled with tears, wanting with all I am to let this demon go.
For God to take away the memory, the cycle, all of it.
Just to let me finally feel freedom from my past.
In that moment I could usually feel it. When talking to God, I never felt judged or full of pain.
In those prayers I would say I did feel free.
But life crept back in… memories crept back in….. the way I remembered I felt about  myself always came back.
And that’s all it took, that and time, before I’d find myself saying yes to another adventure that would inevitably lead me right back into that stupid hole. That all-encompassing, soul-crushing, endless hole where all my regrets sat waiting for me. Every damn time.

 

Like I said, it’s been twenty years.
And I’m not 100% sure what started the cycle of events that lead me to this revelation.

But today I can say, I finally feel free.

It started like any other prayer.
I had been awake all night, unable to escape my own mind.
I thought there was no other way I’d find rest
than talking with God about what was going on in my head.
So there I lie, in bed, eyes closed and heart ready.
Ready to pour out all the things that I didn’t want to feel bad about anymore…
all the hundreds of memories that I couldn’t go on one more second living with in my mind.
I moved my hands to cover my face…
I think subconsciously I didn’t want even God to see where I found myself now.
I was just about to recount each thing that I knew He needed to hear,
in order for me to ask for forgiveness and try to move on again.

 

But He stopped me.

 

Before I could even begin to think about those things… about anything… he stopped me.
All at once, I felt peace fall around me like snow.
Drifting down so gently and settling into all my broken pieces.
The peace softened the tightness in my tired hands.
I felt my hands fall, tenderly holding my face like a parent would to calm a crying child.
I felt a clarity that I’ve never known before, drowning out all my once deafening thoughts.

Imagery flooded my mind with waves, crashing new life over me…
washing away any trace of darkness my regret had brought me through.
I felt myself removed from my current physical state of angst, and suddenly

He told me, very clearly, what I needed so desperately to hear
He Loved Me.

He told me through everything, He loved me.
He told me in spite of everything, He loved me.
He told me there was nothing I could ever do that would take that away.

He told me He loved me anyway.

 

Never in my life have I felt a love so pure, strong and real all at once.
In an instant every ounce of regret I’d held on to for years simply didn’t matter anymore.
I knew that all those moments had still happened.
I knew that they were not magically gone or removed from my memory.
But I finally realized that they truly did not matter.
Love is the only thing that can overcome anything. Specifically, for me, it was God’s love.
I’ve since realized, that I kept messing up because I felt like I was unworthy of being loved ever since that first screw up. I felt like damaged goods.
I felt like if anyone else knew the truth about what I’d done… they would never love me again.
I kept a secret hidden for fear of losing love. But it didn’t matter if no one knew, I knew…
and that lead me to not love myself.
For that reason – I have continued with no end to harm myself over and over again because I didn’t feel worthy of anything better.
In fact, I would go so far as to say that sometimes hurting myself made me feel better.
I felt validation in the negative way I saw myself.
Telling myself inwardly that somehow, this negative place is where I belonged now.

 

I always thought that moving on from regret  was about being forgiven.
But I’m not sure if you can ever fully forgive yourself.
The deeper issue is love.
Can you love yourself again?
Can you realize that regardless your past & your mistakes
that you are worthy of love?
Maybe some people can do that on their own-
but I tried desperately for twenty years and never could.

 

God had to remind me,
that He loved me anyway.

And I realized something, if He can… so can I.

-H

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“You love me Anyway”

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Finally Free.

 

You Love Me Anyway – Sidewalk Prophets

Heather’s 10 Tips for Living with the one you Love:

Heather’s Tips for Living with the one you Love:
(in no particular order)

 You’ve just decided to move in with your boyfriend/girlfriend? Congratulations! You’ve either made an awesome step in the right direction with the one you love… or a terrible mistake it’s all in how much your both willing to work at it! Let me give you a hand, with some personal advise/ experience about living with your significant other:

  1. It IS possible to get a man to put the new roll of toilet paper on the toilet paper dispenser. It takes a lot of talking-to, reminding, hands on teaching, and time… but if you hang in there long enough, he’s sure to get it on the dispenser eventually.
    (Ok – I swear that is the only tip that will single out men for their habitation habits.)
  2. Putting dishes directly into a dishwasher/ cleaning them after dinner every night will save you HOURS of death-staring at each other over who is to take care of the dish version of Mt. Kilimanjaro.
  3. If you are both over the age of 12 when living together (as one can only hope to god that you are)… you should probably both take care of your own damn laundry. There is something to be said about the deep love you have for someone when sorting through their dirty underpants… if you want to save anything for the sanctity of marriage: it should be dirty underpants sorting.
    note: this will also save you countless hours of bickering at each other for the mis-cleaning your specially loved clothing items.
    *If you do decide to be the one to do BOTH of your laundry on any given day, you have the full right to claim any and all change that is left in pants pockets for doing their dirty work.
  4. When healthy people and non-health conscious individuals come together under one household, there are some serious discussions to discuss. For instance, when it comes to standing together in the dairy section of the grocery isles at Walmart… you may find yourself casually reaching for the skim milk… BUT WAIT!!! Your hand is suddenly yanked away from the milk cartons as if, at any moment, a BOMB were to explode inside the refrigerator case…and you hear over your shoulder, “I only drink 2%!!”
    Save yourself the pain, and have the “which foods we prefer” discussions at home.

  5. Wearing your favorite cartoon t-shirt from 1990 and flannel pants around the house all day on Saturday… still completely acceptable. Don’t worry – Ren and Stimpy will still be looking back at you in the mirror when you wake up on Sat. mornings.
  6. TOLIETS! For the love of everything that is good and right in the world… if you are a heterosexual couple living together… Guys: put the seat down. You’ll think it’s hilarious when your girlfriend screams @ one in the morning and comes back to the bedroom furious and soaking wet. Odds are, she won’t thinks its so funny. And depending on how long you’ve already been living together – she may seek revenge. (Guard your toothbrush ;D Sucka!)
    (Okay, so that was the last tip that singles out men… I swear.)
  7. If you’ve not already crossed this bridge in your relationship get ready…. farting can be either easily accepted and laughed at… or it could make the one your with want to vomit. Hopefully you’ve got a feel for how they will take it, but if not… let them cast the first, eh-hem, wind.
  8. It would be a rare find to have two people with the same passion for products… hair products, shower products, car products, makeup products, cleaning products, need-less to say: one of you is GOING to have more shit than the other. Respect it, and if it really bothers you that much… be gentle in requesting them to stop buying so much crap… they have probably grown quite attached to these things. Don’t ever pull  the, “It’s either me or the clothes/car/makeup/movies/games/fish/legos!!!” card… it’s just not worth the unexpected stay on your parents couch.
  9. It depends on your schedules, but chances are your going to be seeing a lot more of this person than you do currently. This will be awesome at first, and slowly you’ll start to remember how wonderful it was to have alone time. To avoid resenting each other, you need to plan when each of you can be alone in your new place. If your work/school schedules put you at home at the same time every day, figure out a night or two a week when one of you gets out of the house to be with friends for awhile so the other person can work on their scrapbooking with out Call of Duty blaring from the living room… or play Call of Duty without “I’m a Barbie Girl” blaring from the bedroom….
    (I fully apologize for how sexist that was, actually- no I don’t, who is to say that Aqua doesn’t appeal to men??)
  10. I’m going to get serious for a moment (brace yourselves!) and say that, if you haven’t already learned to communicate… make it your sole effort in life to do learn now. It’s hilarious how many couples think that they will survive physically living together without  emotionally living together. Your in love… and love is messy. Embrace the mess and talk through things no matter how difficult they are, if you need a few minutes or an hour to calm down- take it- but don’t ever cop out of a situation by walking out the door and coming home thinking it’s been resolved magically by the passing of time. The only thing magically resolved by the passing of time is constipation. Love is much more intricate and complicated than constipation. You can quote me.
This next one isn’t so much a tip… as a bit of BRILLIANT PIECE OF ADVISE  given to me by my soul mate/roomie:
Learn each others habits and territories. It is a simple fact that, although you may be each other’s “other-half” you are still completely different individuals. This isn’t really something that I can tell you how to do, other than be observant of each other and begin to love learning about one another’s “alone” times.
For instance, if your boyfriend/girlfriend wakes up every morning and goes into the bathroom for a half-hour (doing lord only knows what), respect that. Don’t wake up right after them and demand the bathroom.. even if they don’t tell you it’s annoying now… they will lash out sooner or later. Love is awesome, finding someone you can actually enjoy living with 24/7 is an amazing and rare thing… but it takes work, attention and passion to succeed.
If all else fails:
Icecream…lots and lots of icecream 😉
Peace & Success
Heather