Somedays I just want to give up..
I want to come home from work, lie in bed, and stare into my phone or just fall asleep.
Today that’s exactly what I did. And am still doing. I’d like to say I’ve found the cure for days like this..but not yet. I’d like to believe that some day I’ll be better than this. But at this very moment..I’m still in bed.
Nothing wrong happened to me today, the week was a normal one. It was filled with ordinary events and regular life. But all week I’ve been held down by the feeling that my life isn’t my own. That im not doing what really feels important to me. I’m settling for the regular life other people want..instead of being bold enough to live the beautiful life I dream of living.
I took a walk mid-afternoon yesterday, on lunch break. Took 30 minutes and walked across the street from my work…and found my mind flowing with daydreams. I pictured myself spending a whole day outside.
Making a cup of coffee in the morning and sitting down to write under the sun…writing until I felt full again. No time restraint to hold me back- no where I needed to be.
Then I found myself gardening. Collecting tomoatoes and squash and corn and purple cabbage (there was no logical growing season here- its my fantasy, let me be.) I tended to flowers and picked weeds. I gave food and water to my one dairy cow and picked eggs from the chicken coop. Then I found myself chopping wood, I could feel the warmth growing in my face with each muscle worked.. the sweat of meaningful, hard work dripping down my back.
I drifted off to later in the day and found myself in a pond. I was in a kayak, going in lazy circles while breathing deep the early evening summer air. The wind cascaded across my face. I searched around the edge of the pond for a pair of turtles I’d seen the other day on a low branch, dipping into the water. I found them again, on the same branch then, lying next to each other in the sinking sun.
As the sun fell deeper, I built a fire by the stream. I boiled water in a pot and choppped the veggies I’d collected and made soup. I stirred it often and waited paitenly for it to cook. The way food should be cooked. A labor of love and time.
When the sun had finally gone down, I ate. And I sat. I stared out into nothingness and allowed myself to think. For as long as I liked, I just thought.
I was born for another time.
A time when hard work was a necesity, not a choice.
A time when doing was the norm…instead of watching others do.
A time spent outdoors – where we belong…..not under florescent light at a desk.
A time when things like eating real food, utilizing your physical strength and spending time in thought were just what was done. Not something you made time to do.
Maybe someday. Tonight I’m in bed – dreaming of doing.