Namaste – a term used at the end of a yoga practice. Literally meaning, “The light in me, recognizes the light in you.”
I’ve said that and never knew what exactly I’m saying… and I still don’t. But in the very simplest sense, to me, it means that your seeing another person’s good. The high points of their soul.
And then I realized… I can’t understand what that really means,
Because I don’t even see my own light.
I want to see my light.
I want to see my full potential.
I want to know who I am,
When I allow God to show me
who he created me to be.
I don’t think there is a more true sense of self –
then living to be what you were created to be.
And I want to know that person.
After realizing that last night –
I realized something else…
I’m scared shitless of being who I could fully be in God.
Like we are talking terrified – to my core – I spent nearly all day in an serious state of anxiety just dwelling on it.
WHY AM I SO SCARED, TO FIND OUT WHO I AM IN GOD?
Because it means the possibility of losing everything I know and love now.
It means putting God before EVERYTHING again.
It means that when I do that… I could very well lose the things that I gained,
when I wasn’t following him…
things that though may not be hurting me – are standing between me and Him.
The thing is, I know what my life looks like if I keep God in the comfortable middle-ground place that He holds in my life now…. and I don’t hate anything about that life. For the most part, that life makes me really happy. But I am always wanting something more – feeling this giant void… a part of my life that is a complete mystery to me. Always wondering, “what if I decided to really do life with God?”
I don’t know where that life would exist,
I don’t know what it would look like,
Where I would find work in it,
Where I would start to carve out my purpose within it,
I don’t know where I would live,
How I would fill my days…
Or who I would fill them with.
And ALL that (mostly the last part) scares me to my core.
DO I REALLY WANT TO GIVE UP A LIFE THAT I’M HAPPY WITH – FOR ONE THAT IS A COMPLETE MYSTERY.
BUT, a life that God promises me: will be absolutely amazing.
A life that would surpass all need and want,
A life without hopelessness,
Without fear, without a sense of failure.
A life full of love.
Everyday, every moment …
full of peace He can only provide.
PURPOSE – only found through Him.
I don’t want to live in fear anymore..
because every time I try to ignore these feelings…
I eventually end up right.back.here.
Why fight what’s in your DNA?
God is in YOUR DNA my dear. And you know it.
I tried to do this once.. .and found myself so overwhelmed that I turned to my vices.
I found comfort in alcohol, solace in depression, and hid it with anger.
I went out with the intention of fighting for my life…
and ended up destroying it.
I can’t bear to do that again.
I refuse to try to fly, only to fall.
And I also refuse to never trying flying… for the fear of falling again.
The only option left then,
is to fly.
And that is where my thoughts leave me for tonight.