Putting Him First

Namaste – a term used at the end of a yoga practice. Literally meaning, “The light in me, recognizes the light in you.”

I’ve said that and never knew what exactly I’m saying… and I still don’t. But in the very simplest sense, to me, it means that your seeing another person’s good. The high points of their soul.

And then I realized… I can’t understand what that really means,
Because I don’t even see my own light.

I want to see my light.
I want to see my full potential.
I want to know who I am,
When I allow God to show me
who he created me to be.

I don’t think there is a more true sense of self –
then living to be what you were created to be.
And I want to know that person.

After realizing that last night –
I realized something else…
I’m scared shitless of being who I could fully be in God.

Like we are talking terrified – to my core – I spent nearly all day in an serious state of anxiety just dwelling on it.

WHY AM I SO SCARED, TO FIND OUT WHO I AM IN GOD?

Because it means the possibility of losing everything I know and love now.
It means putting God before EVERYTHING again.
It means that when I do that… I could very well lose the things that I gained,
when I wasn’t following him…
things that though may not be hurting me – are standing between me and Him.

 

The thing is, I know what my life looks like if I keep God in the comfortable middle-ground place that He holds in my life now…. and I don’t hate anything about that life. For the most part, that life makes me really happy. But I am always wanting something more – feeling this giant void… a part of my life that is a complete mystery to me. Always wondering, “what if I decided to really do life with God?”
I don’t know where that life would exist,
I don’t know what it would look like,
Where I would find work in it,
Where I would start to carve out my purpose within it,
I don’t know where I would live,
How I would fill my days…
Or who I would fill them with.

And ALL that (mostly the last part) scares me to my core.
DO I REALLY WANT TO GIVE UP A LIFE THAT I’M HAPPY WITH – FOR ONE THAT IS A COMPLETE MYSTERY.
BUT, a life that God promises me: will be absolutely amazing.

A life that would surpass all need and want,
A life without hopelessness,
Without fear, without a sense of failure.
A life full of love.
Everyday, every moment …
full of peace He can only provide.

PURPOSE – only found through Him.

I don’t want to live in fear anymore..
because every time I try to ignore these feelings…
I eventually end up right.back.here.
Why fight what’s in your DNA?
God is in YOUR DNA my dear. And you know it.

 

I tried to do this once.. .and found myself so overwhelmed that I turned to my vices.
I found comfort in alcohol, solace in depression, and hid it with anger.
I went out with the intention of fighting for my life…
and ended up destroying it.

I can’t bear to do that again.

I refuse to try to fly, only to fall.
And I also refuse to never trying flying… for the fear of falling again.

The only option left then,
is to fly.

And that is where my thoughts leave me for tonight.

Much Love,

-H

 

 

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