“Regaining My Life” Walk

[ Music that inspired this post. For you to listen to while you read.: Lullaby – Nickelback ]

For the first time… in a long time,

I took care of myself today.

I went out, on my own – somewhere I’ve never been… and explored.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

I went to sleep last night, knowing that I had a full day off and that I’d be alone all day.
At some point, the day prior i’d decided I wanted to finally go to a nature preserve and just sit.

Just sit… and think… meditate… listen for God… maybe write?

It sounded so beautiful that I couldn’t pass up the chance.
I woke up, folded a couple loads of laundry, toyed around with other ideas of what i “should do.”

And then I left.

Headed for the open road and adventure.

I found myself, around an hour later…
In the middle of a 450 acre forest, on a trail and breathless.

For awhile, towards the beginning of the trail –
I’d rather closely followed a couple and their dogs.

Never having been alone in such a great expanse of wilderness before;
I somehow felt safer, knowing that if I was to be jumped in the woods,
these people and their dogs would certainly hear my cries for help – and save me.

However, somewhere between trail marker ’21’ and ’18’… I lost them.
(or they lost me – I probably looked a little shady following them through the woods.)

Either way… I was alone.

Like, ALONE alone.
I realized, in a panic, that I’d never even told anyone where I was going today.
If I was about to be attacked, hacked up into pieces, and buried in the dirt somewhere….
No ONE would even know where to start looking for my remains.

Needless to say, I panicked.

I started walking SO fast… laughing at it now I remember at one point I thought it necessary to pick up a light jog…
Believing that any way to get me out of these woods faster, was completely necessary.

After a hill or two of panic and trudging through muddy uphill trails – I slowed.
I steadied my breath….started talking to God…. and realized:

I was okay.
Like, beyond okay.
I was in this expanse of emptiness…
beautiful woods, blue skies, and warm wind gently running around me.

I didn’t need to be afraid of being alone –
I needed to embrace it.

I continued to walk on, eventually deciding to turn around and go back the way I came.
(It was a 4.5 mile trail to the end… and I was not wearing the proper footwear for finishing that hike!)

Through a few more moments of panic,
and a couple mis-sightings of someone lurking in the woods.
I found myself at a clearing – opening up to the beginning of the trail i’d entered a while earlier.

I’d done it.
I’d been forced to face my fears,
and found that –
I’m stronger than I realize.
I’m more capable that I thought.
and I have no reason to ever doubt myself.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Every event that happened today – happened in my favor –
Things just went right for once.

(Except for that wrong turn I took on my nature walk,
but I sorely needed a workout anyway.)

Every thing that I worried over –
every idea that I thought would get in the way, or hold me back… didn’t happen.

“Don’t have the money” : picked up tips at work, better than usual.
“Check Engine light is on” : literally just turned off when I went to fill up on gas.
“Tabs are expired” : never pulled over.
Even when I poorly decided to use my last bit of tip money,
to buy a Nickelback CD for driving music…
I was rewarded: with the only Nickelback CD left at the music store…containing all five of their albums.

It’s like I was supposed to be here – to do this – something for myself.
Maybe this is God showing me i’m strong enough…
Even when I’ve not felt that way in a looongg time.

God, reminding me who I really am and all the great things I am capable of when I step out in faith.
All that can happen – when I  refuse to let fear hold me down.

…what life can feel like,
what really being alive can feel like.

When you let God take you
Where your soul was meant to fly. 

H

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