Holding onto my Yesterdays

(Inspiration for all this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uEaUWJjaIVg )

I want to clarify something:
I want to clarify my life for all my tomorrows

I want to go into the rest of my life, 
without all the baggage I’ve dragged around for years.

The mistakes I keep making, are really no mistake…
because they are reactions of the pain I hold onto. 

I cannot free myself from these tragic self-destructive activities, 
until I let go of the reason that I feel the need to self-destruct. 

I want freedom from myself.

I cannot do that

Until… I bring them to the surface, 
one last time… 
To clear my soul of their hold, 
the need to see daylight to dissipate. 
You cannot clear out a closet without opening the doors.

I’m so afraid to see them again, 
to think, and allow their memories to flood my mind. 
They do it anyway…
Every time I’m vulnerable they creep forward in my life…
retaining a spot in my heart that I cannot let go of.

Not this time. 
This is the last time I will see them, 
with all their torture and twisted meanings…

I will look, 
if only briefly, 
to acknowledge they happened, 

to see that once, 
they were apart of me. 

And then I will close my eyes, 
let God see them, 
and finally feel them float away from me forever. 

You cannot forget the things that you’ve done, 
or have been done to you – 

Until you accept them as PAST, and not allow them into your PRESENT.

It took me until now to realize that if I want these shitty things to stop happening to me, 
or rather, stop allowing them to happen to myself.
need to accept that we all make mistakes, out of our past hurts.
That’s what my mistakes have been – made out of hurt, they were cries from my soul. 
Feeling like i’d screwed up beyond repair, feeling like I was only meant for self-torment….
My guilt has lead me to hurt myself and others time and time again. 

 

I’m done. 

Goodbye pain, goodbye bad decisions, goodbye failing to be the good person I know I can be

My yesterdays can stay exactly where they happened, yesterday.
I deserve freedom. 

and God, only you can give me that. 
Your the only one that can allow me freedom from my past, 
because your the only one who would be able to hear the terrible things I’ve done – 
and still fully believe that there’s good left in me. 

 

I cannot be that person, 
without your belief and mine. 

 

Here’s to me.
deserving greatness and a new chance, 
freedom from pain – 
here’s to living out of today’s promise, 
and not yesterday’s regret.

 

Amen, H.

 

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