I am so afraid to leave everything I’ve called home for the past 23 years. 

It’s all really sinking in, that we’re leaving. I feel like before today I knew we were leaving, but I only saw the glamour in it. Like a new place to live, a new job, a change of scenery, some autonomy, adventure, etc… It’s all only now settling into thoughts of loneliness, unknowing, loss of loved ones, and home-sickness.

I start to feel so unbearably sad when I think of how much I’ll miss everyone. 

Scratch that. 
It is going to be bearable. I know I can get through it… but it’s going to be so so difficult and sad.

Why did I not have these feelings until now? 

How did I not remember all the feelings of loneliness, longing, and anxiety I had before while we we’re gone? I’m sure I’ll feel those things again… but will they be as bad as before? Or even if they are, am I now strong enough to fight through them into  brighter days?

There is a piece of me in North Carolina. 
A very decent sized one. 

When I left, I found a whole new part of my soul. 

A part I never knew I had, 
but now miss. 

My heart broke off a piece and got left in NC, 
and when William is there as well… 
a GIANT piece of my heart will be there. 

I don’t want to be lonely.
I don’t want my family to miss out on important things in my life.
I don’t want my family to be further than a short drive away. 
I don’t want my friends to go on without me. 

I don’t want to look back on this part of my life…
and regret moving away because I missed more in Minnesota than I found in North Carolina. 




Okay Heather, try and focus on what you WANT to move for… you know you’ll always be thinking
you missed something if you stay  here too…


A future with William, above anything else. 
I want babies that have solid roots somewhere, 
roots that consist of things that really matter:
like treating others well, knowing where you come from, 
and being so proud of what that is. 
I want a marriage that is founded on love and strength, 
no matter what we face – doing it together. 
I want a home, with land, and small house, 
and a garage for Will to own a shop and a giant deck I can write and create things on. 
I want a career that displays who I am 
in a positive way, something that I love 
that gives back something loving to the world. 
I want Latte to live forever with us, 
and I want to adopt animals that cross our path and need a loving home. 
I want to be able to drive out to the ocean on the weekends, 
or find solace in the breeze and chill of the mountains on a lazy Sunday evening. 
I want a beautiful image of myself, 
with everything as wonderful and as honest and loving as it can be. 
I want friends that make me laugh and love random silliness, 
those with whom I feel safe sharing my thoughts, 
and can rely on and care for. 
I want Will to find happiness and contentment 
knowing that he’s doing something wonderful with his hands. 
He has the strongest will to make something of himself, 
and I want to be a part of seeing him succeed. 
I want to forever be close to my family, 
I want to forever grower closer to them, sharing highs and lows, 
knowing we are each other’s forever loves.. 
taking shelter in always having 
somewhere familiar to turn. 
I want to be at the end of everyday, 
finding bliss in knowing that I’ve found a life, 
that is as good as life gets. 
And fall asleep at the end of my days, 
knowing there is nothing I would have done different. 


Peace & Living


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