I am so afraid to leave everything I’ve called home for the past 23 years.
It’s all really sinking in, that we’re leaving. I feel like before today I knew we were leaving, but I only saw the glamour in it. Like a new place to live, a new job, a change of scenery, some autonomy, adventure, etc… It’s all only now settling into thoughts of loneliness, unknowing, loss of loved ones, and home-sickness.
I start to feel so unbearably sad when I think of how much I’ll miss everyone.
It is going to be bearable. I know I can get through it… but it’s going to be so so difficult and sad.
Why did I not have these feelings until now?
How did I not remember all the feelings of loneliness, longing, and anxiety I had before while we we’re gone? I’m sure I’ll feel those things again… but will they be as bad as before? Or even if they are, am I now strong enough to fight through them into brighter days?
There is a piece of me in North Carolina.
A very decent sized one.
When I left, I found a whole new part of my soul.
A part I never knew I had,
but now miss.
My heart broke off a piece and got left in NC,
and when William is there as well…
a GIANT piece of my heart will be there.
I don’t want to be lonely.
I don’t want my family to miss out on important things in my life.
I don’t want my family to be further than a short drive away.
I don’t want my friends to go on without me.
I don’t want to look back on this part of my life…
and regret moving away because I missed more in Minnesota than I found in North Carolina.
Okay Heather, try and focus on what you WANT to move for… you know you’ll always be thinking
you missed something if you stay here too…
A future with William, above anything else.
I want babies that have solid roots somewhere,
roots that consist of things that really matter:
like treating others well, knowing where you come from,
and being so proud of what that is.
I want a marriage that is founded on love and strength,
no matter what we face – doing it together.
I want a home, with land, and small house,
and a garage for Will to own a shop and a giant deck I can write and create things on.
I want a career that displays who I am
in a positive way, something that I love
that gives back something loving to the world.
I want Latte to live forever with us,
and I want to adopt animals that cross our path and need a loving home.
I want to be able to drive out to the ocean on the weekends,
or find solace in the breeze and chill of the mountains on a lazy Sunday evening.
I want a beautiful image of myself,
with everything as wonderful and as honest and loving as it can be.
I want friends that make me laugh and love random silliness,
those with whom I feel safe sharing my thoughts,
and can rely on and care for.
I want Will to find happiness and contentment
knowing that he’s doing something wonderful with his hands.
He has the strongest will to make something of himself,
and I want to be a part of seeing him succeed.
I want to forever be close to my family,
I want to forever grower closer to them, sharing highs and lows,
knowing we are each other’s forever loves..
taking shelter in always having
somewhere familiar to turn.
I want to be at the end of everyday,
finding bliss in knowing that I’ve found a life,
that is as good as life gets.
And fall asleep at the end of my days,
knowing there is nothing I would have done different.
Peace & Living