Fear

I am so afraid to leave everything I’ve called home for the past 23 years. 

It’s all really sinking in, that we’re leaving. I feel like before today I knew we were leaving, but I only saw the glamour in it. Like a new place to live, a new job, a change of scenery, some autonomy, adventure, etc… It’s all only now settling into thoughts of loneliness, unknowing, loss of loved ones, and home-sickness.

I start to feel so unbearably sad when I think of how much I’ll miss everyone. 

Scratch that. 
It is going to be bearable. I know I can get through it… but it’s going to be so so difficult and sad.

Why did I not have these feelings until now? 

How did I not remember all the feelings of loneliness, longing, and anxiety I had before while we we’re gone? I’m sure I’ll feel those things again… but will they be as bad as before? Or even if they are, am I now strong enough to fight through them into  brighter days?

There is a piece of me in North Carolina. 
A very decent sized one. 

When I left, I found a whole new part of my soul. 

A part I never knew I had, 
but now miss. 

My heart broke off a piece and got left in NC, 
and when William is there as well… 
a GIANT piece of my heart will be there. 

I don’t want to be lonely.
I don’t want my family to miss out on important things in my life.
I don’t want my family to be further than a short drive away. 
I don’t want my friends to go on without me. 

I don’t want to look back on this part of my life…
and regret moving away because I missed more in Minnesota than I found in North Carolina. 

……………………………..

………………………

……………

Okay Heather, try and focus on what you WANT to move for… you know you’ll always be thinking
you missed something if you stay  here too…

I WANT:

A future with William, above anything else. 
I want babies that have solid roots somewhere, 
roots that consist of things that really matter:
like treating others well, knowing where you come from, 
and being so proud of what that is. 
I want a marriage that is founded on love and strength, 
no matter what we face – doing it together. 
I want a home, with land, and small house, 
and a garage for Will to own a shop and a giant deck I can write and create things on. 
I want a career that displays who I am 
in a positive way, something that I love 
that gives back something loving to the world. 
I want Latte to live forever with us, 
and I want to adopt animals that cross our path and need a loving home. 
I want to be able to drive out to the ocean on the weekends, 
or find solace in the breeze and chill of the mountains on a lazy Sunday evening. 
I want a beautiful image of myself, 
with everything as wonderful and as honest and loving as it can be. 
I want friends that make me laugh and love random silliness, 
those with whom I feel safe sharing my thoughts, 
and can rely on and care for. 
I want Will to find happiness and contentment 
knowing that he’s doing something wonderful with his hands. 
He has the strongest will to make something of himself, 
and I want to be a part of seeing him succeed. 
I want to forever be close to my family, 
I want to forever grower closer to them, sharing highs and lows, 
knowing we are each other’s forever loves.. 
taking shelter in always having 
somewhere familiar to turn. 
I want to be at the end of everyday, 
finding bliss in knowing that I’ve found a life, 
that is as good as life gets. 
And fall asleep at the end of my days, 
knowing there is nothing I would have done different. 

 

Peace & Living

Heather

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