There are sooooo many things that I need to let go of. I don’t even know if it would considered guilt, because it’s not that I feel bad about it, but moreover that I keep letting it replay in my mind. It’s the experiences where I’ve been hurt, not where I’ve hurt someone. I hold on to those memories for far too long, and in the end all I’m doing is hurting myself. I’ve got years of painful pictures and horrible words that I wish I could just delete from my memory. There is no doubt that these things would be better off left behind, my problem is how to get rid of them. I’ve tried things like writing it all down and destroying the paper or talking to God about it (though I’ve not asked him to take them from my mind… for some reason i’m afraid to. I imagine that sitting down and talking to someone about it would really help. But every time I talk to someone, I get the feeling like they don’t really care or they are not really listening and I shut down. I wish I could just say the things out loud, to no one and have them go away… maybe I could… but even that seems like it would take a stronger heart than I have some days.
I really think the best thing to heal… is time.
Hopefully, with time things will heal… maybe even make way for a time when I feel right about talking to someone without breaking down into tears.
Only time will tell.
Until then I remember this: I was strong enough to make it through those events that torment my mind…and I’m strong enough to fight them away each time they come up. Someday, I’ll be strong enough to let them go completely.